That’s the burning question for the morning, and yes relates again to the issues of codependency, love, longing and wanting her back…maybe…
So I find myself not being able to get her off my mind, 8 weeks into the break-up, only exchanged a few e-mails, no growth together, no commitment to working on “us”. Basically gone cold turkey…and I use the term cold dually in this case, also meaning the initial break-up was over text…that’s cold in and of itself. Now that can also be seen as a protective move for the codependent to be able to leave the relationship without being sucked back into the cycle she wished to break. So I can and do concede that point, and can forgive her for not talking, running and not honoring our commitment to not run, and to talk (we both needed to and didn’t do this, only once we recognized this I wanted to address it at that time and she didn’t). This is where the do I still care comes in. Now to be clear I care about her very much, the question is do I still care what she said about her codependence? About what that could mean for a future “us” is that a future I care about? Do I really want to know what she meant? Has she given false hope again and started the grief cycle over for me?
I can’t keep her off mind, not in a bad or sad way, just there in the background. I see and feel you through out my daydreams, thoughts, connections to the world. And my biggest question all along had been: How can she really walk away from all this love? How can she not be feeling the pain I am? She opened the door to that, because remember we never had a conversation about why, how, what if….she just ended it with a short text, holding back fearing saying more would further upset me, or would upset her. All this time the message I have received from the three attempts I made for communication/reconciliation is that she is not able to see our future, despite the love, connection etc, because she couldn’t see the “forest through the trees” anymore, and didn’t know much, but knew not having to worry about me and my family was making things better for her, and she needed to continue to focus on her and her family, right now. She couldn’t say if or when she would be ready for us again, and told me it’s not reasonable for her to expect me to wait. When I doubled down and told her a month later after zero contact that, that I wanted to talk, just about her blocking me on Facebook, and how we may have both been struggling and a conversation could help both of us process and move on. Then you started using new “buzz” words you said “I am confident in my decision that I need to focus on myself and my family” You were sorry that I was hurting but…so doing a great job, setting a boundary and holding it. Saying that talking would just bring up hard feelings for both of us. I was able to accept that answer, I wasn’t really sure I would be able to handle a conversation either, and more wanted to share my thoughts. She thought I was looking for the the “take me back” talk, when in reality it was the I see how not being together has been a good thing, and that we both came into the relationship in a rough spot, and that we wouldn’t have made it despite everything, the time was not right, we were not ready. That I asked for no reply to and got no reply. Fast forward another month and I notice that she had now “unblocked” me on FB, and it made me wonder why? Why now would she unblock me? So me being me and maybe suffering the residuals of a codependent relationship can’t just let it be. I had to say something when she blocked me, and had to say something when she unblocked me right? So I take the gentle lead in approach and sent a quick note saying “hey, noticed I was unblocked and didn’t know if you had done that on purpose or not, but wanted to let you know.” It was this response that started the spiral (as warned against by my therapist) she had written back that she had unblocked me didn’t know that was different and that I had been unfriended also when that happened. BUT that it was a mute point because it was too hard on her “heart and head”. So I see this as the first sign that I have been dreaming and obsessing over for two months (not having actual contact) that she was thinking of me, had been thinking of me and it was hard breaking up and staying broken up.
This was the sign that she was struggling also…so I reply that agree that I also can’t handle it, and blocking me was the best thing she could have done for my healing at the point and time. I send a cute meme, she sends one back, then I open my mouth and share that my ex wife is GAY, and kicked out her loser BF, and the kids were doing great now etc. (not knowing she was even acknowledging codependency yet) I was feeding into it….so her response was clear that even that conversation was making things harder and we really needed to stop. Maybe one day coffee and friend??? Friend no not possible, and a tad hurtful…but knowing my last big e-mail to her said all the reasons why we didn’t work, wouldn’t work, and that it sucked so she may not have been under the impression I was invested at all any longer, and may have been hedging her own bets by adding friend…so I felt I needed to make it clear that she was wanted and that I was working on myself…so push the door a bit more with two poems….
Along with the poems I sent a not about also needing my space to continue the work I am doing and that but also have been writing and these two pieces speak to where I am at…one about my continued love for her, the other about my kids coming out of their fog. He response was to “Heart” that this message (historically she hearted for a reason only, and that it did mean something) so I felt that hope starting to sneak up again….
Cue her response referenced from above in regard to her codependency and the use of her buzz words…she after hearting the above poems wrote that she was “just now starting to see the trees through the forest” THIS set of the alarm bells for my hope…and I was back again. I mean she had said months ago she could not see the forest through the trees…so to use the same turn of phrase again, had me thinking, had me hoping ….but am I really hoping? Was I really hoping and what was I hoping for? Do I really care, does it really matter what she meant by these next two lines? And if it does matter do I ask? So she wrote that she “didn’t trust that she was not codependent on me emotionally instead of a healthy equal” I underlined her buzz words again. Now this can mean a whole lot of things on the spectrum that is codependency. I can mean that she felt she lost herself emotionally, and couldn’t feel without me, couldn’t be without, and was anxious when ever we were apart. That point of view makes it kinda positive in terms getting back together…she is able to recognize I became her everything and she couldn’t function otherwise. Sounds like an identification of an issue she wants and is addressing for herself. BUT…it also sends a dagger of insinuating that I was comfortable with that situation, that I was ok with her letting everything else go…and why is that a dagger? Because I was very supportive of everything that had to do with her, everything “we” did was about or for her…so if she is talking about neediness and that maybe she was not an equal meaning she was taking more then equal portion I can agree. BUT again that dagger, I sacrificed everything for her…every free moment she demanded me, and if she didn’t have me she was sad, anxious, angry, lonely. Her main purpose was planning for ways to be around me. NOW the codependent parts of her are what fed her unhealthy need for me. She may have felt she needed to act that way to keep me happy, that she couldn’t speak because she didn’t want me to fear her leaving…but she was always asking for reassurance and usually around her being needy, and asking how I deal with it…how am I so patient. The waters get muddy, the intent of her words are not clear, and the definitions also not clear. HER next line though seems telling to me: “she was not confident that she wouldn’t spend her days taking care of me, instead of being a partner” Which seems to clear it up…she felt like she was going to have to keep saving me day in and day out…but I don’t need saving, never did. I can take care of myself and my kids, I can manage my anxiety and job and have for 11 years. I can manage my life and household. Actually when she was in so much pain through Christmas and her mothers passing, I held her up and together. She needed a new car and couldn’t manage getting one, so I shopped during a pandemic auto crisis and no cars on lots…I got what she wanted at the price she wanted, delivered to her front door. I fixed things around her house, I fixed things at her parents house. And each time I attempted to give her the space she needed to be with family she held on tighter to me, I honestly had to say “no” this needs to be with just family. And it would hurt her…so I am so confused sure we were likely both dependent on each other with no real inequity to the relationship. The inequity was in what both of us had left for the rest world…we didn’t have any left.
So do I care? If she is saying that I am the typical “taker” who needs taking care of, then she can fuck off to put it plainly because I never once took without giving back, she spoke about how good I made her feel about herself, confident, comforted, built up like she had never been before…not the signs of the taker who is not on ok, but in support of her giving her all to me…I pushed back that she needed to stay connected to more that me…so I just don’t know…is there hope in any of those lines from her? Does identifying the codependency mean we are ready to address and potentially work through it? Or does it mean another sign pointing to me that she is done, nothing else ever? I told her I didn’t need her, her approval, or her love, that I knew this because I was actually doing better with out her, and enjoying the emotional freedom to connect with my kids. BUT had to open the door and say that just because I don’t need her doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t still want her. Then doubled down and said that I was not ready for a relationship with anyone and that the thought of another woman made me sick….so I wasn’t waiting for her per se, but wasn’t going anywhere either. Said until another day and signed with a heart. She also hearted that damn message….
So who knows and who should care? Me? Her?