Meeting at meetings

I can’t go. I am working so hard to move on, move up, or just move at all. I am not stuck but at the same time am paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I am not emotionally stuck, but physically. I can’t imagine sharing the same space as her again…the feelings the energy, the pain , loss, anger, hunger, yearning. All coming to the surface in a moment where you need to show the dignity you were never given, the ending and respect. As much as you have spent months wanting to force that, do you have the strength to hold it back? In the moment? Would you swallow your feelings and let them continue to eat away at the very soul and person you want to share, she is killing that version of you and breeding this version, feeding it. In that moment you would need to breathe without hearing her calming voice telling you too. You need to be able to manage your emotions, and to do that you must understand your emotions and to do that you have to be real, and you have to be willing to do it. You are not prepared; despite all you imagine, you are not because until you can see a real world scenario where seeing and feeling her again doesn’t destroy you, you are not ready.

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