Not sure why and not really going to try and guess here today, instead going to go along for the ride, I have needed a good day.

Now a majority of feeling positive is that I made it through a rough time of year, I received good news, and my kids were a joy this morning. I also had the flu and two sick children (also flu) last week. So I thus far have made it COVID free through the pandemic, only to be knocked on my rear end by the darn flu…But I said I wasn’t going to diagnose why, just be in the moment.

And in this moment I feel a renewed energy for life, for parenting and connecting with my boys. Last night we had unsolicited cuddle time on the couch before bed, all smiles and warmth…kind children feeling safe to show that side again. It fills me with a joy and since of connection I had been missing, by focusing so much on just one connection and not tending to the others. When you stop paying attention to the connections that make you feel whole and feel complete, you can feel lost and scared, and like you can’t find your way back, and then once you do you become so afraid of losing that again. This is of course not one sided in any way, shape or form. The more loving, present and engaged I am with them, the more they will feel loved supported and connected to me. It’s funny in all my years as I parent, I never once felt that my kids wouldn’t be or feel connected to me, I have many errors as a parent but loving and relating to my kids was a strength for me. Or so I thought. My strength is my ability to love completely when I love, and showing that to those around, sharing in the positive energy. But my energy was not positive. My heart, my mind and my penis all thought is was positive and felt positive all of it, the most positive I have ever felt. But my energy was not positive, I was in survivor mode. I was living in a cycle of trying to meet expectations, which meant a constant worry that I was not enough, or trying to live up to an ideal. A cycle I had been in at various points for various reasons through out my life. And with the constant thoughts of am I enough, will she leave again, will my dog ruin it, will my kids ruin it. I was hypervigilant with my kids behaviors over-reacting to them, trying to make them “obey”, trying approaches that never worked before…yelling, yelling, lecture, lecture, threaten punishment. Then throw in the nasty part of my divorce (luckily this has passed) and I have stress and conflict and a yelling attitude. My bandwidth is low…and add on supporting the one you love through the loss of a parent, and my bandwidth is gone. Not that I didn’t have any left for me, I didn’t have any for me or my family. Sure it was all because of all the positives and knowing how she could make me feel and in those moments would take every other care away…to be in that place, with her. I would do it all again in heartbeat…it may not have been the healthy thing for me…but it was exactly what she needed, and was I able to provide that for her. In whatever I will mean to her, my support will always be a part of that story for her, and she will look back on it was positivity. And I think that’s why…I feel ok today.