I can’t go. I am working so hard to move on, move up, or just move at all. I am not stuck but at the same time am paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I am not emotionally stuck, but physically. I can’t imagine sharing the same space as her again…the feelings the energy, the pain , loss, anger, hunger, yearning. All coming to the surface in a moment where you need to show the dignity you were never given, the ending and respect. As much as you have spent months wanting to force that, do you have the strength to hold it back? In the moment? Would you swallow your feelings and let them continue to eat away at the very soul and person you want to share, she is killing that version of you and breeding this version, feeding it. In that moment you would need to breathe without hearing her calming voice telling you too. You need to be able to manage your emotions, and to do that you must understand your emotions and to do that you have to be real, and you have to be willing to do it. You are not prepared; despite all you imagine, you are not because until you can see a real world scenario where seeing and feeling her again doesn’t destroy you, you are not ready.
It feels like torture
Even when I want to push you out
When I am done with you
When I want nothing else
Even when I am not holding on
You won’t leave me.
You have imprinted on my soul.
I want to move beyond
I want to move forward
But my soul is still holding on
You won’t leave me.
When one realizes they don’t want the love they had back. When you realize you are not holding on to anything, that there is and possibly never was anything real. The illusions you held for so long shattered when she left. The illusion of healing to reconnect ourselves back in love shattered. She never placed your feelings first, though she claims too. Her “role” as the empath, who always places others needs before her own, is actually fueled by narcissism. The exact trait I was trying to avoid, the thought system I had battled for years. I know I am insecure, so did she. I know I am fragile, so did she. I did not know I was vulnerable, but she did. Every phase of the relationship wrought with doubt, while we were saying each other was the one? Doubt mixed with neediness? How does that even work…well it doesn’t. She had the ability to treat me with respect and dignity she claimed to have. Every opportunity that she had to make the choice to treat you and your relationship with respect, she avoided. Every opportunity to do the right thing, to get closure, she avoided because of her own fear, her own emotions. She always did what was best and easiest for her, at the expense of your feelings. That is not empathy it is selfish, self serving. It is about no one but her.
Being able to step back and see this should make me mad, should make feel relief I got out the situation, out of the relationship. Yet, it only serves to hurt me further. It makes me feel more insecure, more broken, more worthless. I reached out multiple times just to be able to move on…to come to actual closure. And she avoided why? At first I saw it as self preservation, shielding herself from the pain the reality of our break meant. That it was just too, difficult for her process, because it was breaking her heart to make this choice. That’s fair that I can understand and accept. I feared she had moved on very early on…couple weeks removed from house hunting and major RV purchase…and she is already falling in love? There was never any indication that this would have been a motive for her, or even a possibility …I mean she was leaving me because she felt “she had too” that she needed to focus on herself and family and not a relationship. She could have said “I found someone else” and she likely would have hurt me by saying that, but that was the respectful, mature right thing to do. Not telling wasn’t for my protection…not telling was her self preservation…she didn’t want feel bad, she didn’t want to feel guilty about herself, she didn’t want to see she was selfish. And most importantly…she did not want to feel ANY of the pain or loss I was suffering with the relationship ending…she wanted to avoid, seek a way to not have to process her own emotions. She can’t be alone so the solution was easy…she is so afraid to be alone, but says she is afraid to need somebody. She hide her pain in the arms of another…it’s not the relationship she has that hurts, it’s the disregard for my emotions, my well being. This shows how broken she is and would have continued to be broken in our relationship, she would have continued to make me feel like I was not enough, I would have continued to worry she would leave, because it felt she was always about too. None of that is how being in love is supposed to look, or feel. Love is not easy, but love is kind. Being aware of how your actions, and decisions affect those you care about is easy. Understanding that protecting yourself and your feelings can cause great pain for another is easy. These qualities must live in the person I love, because they make love easy, because they make it possible to do the work. This is what I thought I had and clearly didn’t, this is what hurts. The blatant disregard for me as a person, let alone the person who she claimed to love…really just hurts.
And I don’t want to be, and don’t need to be, yet here I am again (still). I took steps so I would t keep searching for anything. So I wouldn’t try and analyze her relationships, and why some appear strained. I can imagine it is because they didn’t approve of how she treated me, because they didn’t support her decisions. I can project it is because of what she had already used them for, as a support to support her connection to me…that they were just as stunned as I, and didn’t understand. But I don’t know and will never know that stuff. Which is why, you have to ask yourself “what am I gaining by doing that?” What benefit is it to me? And if it’s not, in anyway…then stop doing it. None of my projections, none of my scenarios, none of my attempts to connect or remain connected matter for anything. Temporarily they were able to dull, avoid the pain…but all it has really done is prolong the pain, and resist healing. Part of that healing has to be fully accepting it is over. That she is gone. That the love you had committed to is gone. That the life you had been building is gone. Because as long as you hold out hope, as long as you keep the door open, you invite the pain back. The only way to end the pain is to accept this persons role in your life has completed ended. They no longer serve any purpose in your life, and they no longer deserve any of your thoughts or emotions. Severing this has been a challenge all this time, giving up hope has been challenging. Now you know you don’t what that relationship again, and you have seen their true colors. You can see how unfair this whole process has been, how her taking the easy way out makes it so much harder on other people, that hiding the pain is only going hurt her in the long wrong, and she is making the same mistake again or already has and is destined to fail. I can pretend I care and pretend I don’t care. Either way it is pretending. You need to remember that everyone of those good memories…every warm and positive feeling…was followed by one of insecurity, that you could lose or ruin it. That every amazing moment had to paired with doubt from her…I reason why “but”. She needed and wanted you so much to be what she needed you to be. You were able to do that and meet her immediate needs, and it felt good too. But she needed someone to meet every need. She had projected all the traits “the one” would have…and I was supposed to be the one, then I needed to check all the boxes, and if I didn’t…or she thought I couldn’t, doubt worry projection. I read this from her and she couldn’t/ wouldn’t communicate it to me…so I was in constant worry about being enough. She fulfilled her prophecy…of making me feel like I would never be good enough…because that is her character. You can’t change that, you can work around or with it…but you can’t change it. She couldn’t change it, I couldn’t help but feel it, and without communication it all fell apart. And now you see that she didn’t ever want any of that, she wanted only to make things easier for her. Leaving was that, falling fast in love to avoid having to feel was that, not talking about it was that, ending it on text was that, not respecting you enough to talk to you, and not respecting you enough to say something. You don’t want that character in your person, and you can find a person with the right character, whose character wouldn’t treat you the way she did. A person whose character would never hurt you like that. A person who is not her.
I had been down this road before.
I knew what this feeling had in store…
But I kept on, down the road,
Oh I kept on down that road.
Couldn’t resist the look in her eyes,
Or the fear of the goodbyes.
I wanted to hold you through the night
Keep warm in my arms wrapped tight
Lay or heads down on pillows for rest
Search our souls to the final test
I had been down this road before
Already knew what was in store
couldn’t stop from wanting more
What I want I am not sure
I had been down this road before
I knew what it had in store.
I lie awake at night and ache for you
I walk my days in search of you
My heart is empty yet remains whole
The pieces taken are from the soul
And yet I still have love to share
Don’t know if she would even care.
I had been down this road before
Already knew what was in store
Couldn’t stop from wanting more
What I want I am not sure
I have been down this road before
So knew what it had in store.
I just don’t want to hurt no more
I want to be happy like before
Don’t want hurt no more
Just be happy like before…
I already knew what was in store
Cuase I been down this road before.
That’s the burning question for the morning, and yes relates again to the issues of codependency, love, longing and wanting her back…maybe…
So I find myself not being able to get her off my mind, 8 weeks into the break-up, only exchanged a few e-mails, no growth together, no commitment to working on “us”. Basically gone cold turkey…and I use the term cold dually in this case, also meaning the initial break-up was over text…that’s cold in and of itself. Now that can also be seen as a protective move for the codependent to be able to leave the relationship without being sucked back into the cycle she wished to break. So I can and do concede that point, and can forgive her for not talking, running and not honoring our commitment to not run, and to talk (we both needed to and didn’t do this, only once we recognized this I wanted to address it at that time and she didn’t). This is where the do I still care comes in. Now to be clear I care about her very much, the question is do I still care what she said about her codependence? About what that could mean for a future “us” is that a future I care about? Do I really want to know what she meant? Has she given false hope again and started the grief cycle over for me?
I can’t keep her off mind, not in a bad or sad way, just there in the background. I see and feel you through out my daydreams, thoughts, connections to the world. And my biggest question all along had been: How can she really walk away from all this love? How can she not be feeling the pain I am? She opened the door to that, because remember we never had a conversation about why, how, what if….she just ended it with a short text, holding back fearing saying more would further upset me, or would upset her. All this time the message I have received from the three attempts I made for communication/reconciliation is that she is not able to see our future, despite the love, connection etc, because she couldn’t see the “forest through the trees” anymore, and didn’t know much, but knew not having to worry about me and my family was making things better for her, and she needed to continue to focus on her and her family, right now. She couldn’t say if or when she would be ready for us again, and told me it’s not reasonable for her to expect me to wait. When I doubled down and told her a month later after zero contact that, that I wanted to talk, just about her blocking me on Facebook, and how we may have both been struggling and a conversation could help both of us process and move on. Then you started using new “buzz” words you said “I am confident in my decision that I need to focus on myself and my family” You were sorry that I was hurting but…so doing a great job, setting a boundary and holding it. Saying that talking would just bring up hard feelings for both of us. I was able to accept that answer, I wasn’t really sure I would be able to handle a conversation either, and more wanted to share my thoughts. She thought I was looking for the the “take me back” talk, when in reality it was the I see how not being together has been a good thing, and that we both came into the relationship in a rough spot, and that we wouldn’t have made it despite everything, the time was not right, we were not ready. That I asked for no reply to and got no reply. Fast forward another month and I notice that she had now “unblocked” me on FB, and it made me wonder why? Why now would she unblock me? So me being me and maybe suffering the residuals of a codependent relationship can’t just let it be. I had to say something when she blocked me, and had to say something when she unblocked me right? So I take the gentle lead in approach and sent a quick note saying “hey, noticed I was unblocked and didn’t know if you had done that on purpose or not, but wanted to let you know.” It was this response that started the spiral (as warned against by my therapist) she had written back that she had unblocked me didn’t know that was different and that I had been unfriended also when that happened. BUT that it was a mute point because it was too hard on her “heart and head”. So I see this as the first sign that I have been dreaming and obsessing over for two months (not having actual contact) that she was thinking of me, had been thinking of me and it was hard breaking up and staying broken up.
This was the sign that she was struggling also…so I reply that agree that I also can’t handle it, and blocking me was the best thing she could have done for my healing at the point and time. I send a cute meme, she sends one back, then I open my mouth and share that my ex wife is GAY, and kicked out her loser BF, and the kids were doing great now etc. (not knowing she was even acknowledging codependency yet) I was feeding into it….so her response was clear that even that conversation was making things harder and we really needed to stop. Maybe one day coffee and friend??? Friend no not possible, and a tad hurtful…but knowing my last big e-mail to her said all the reasons why we didn’t work, wouldn’t work, and that it sucked so she may not have been under the impression I was invested at all any longer, and may have been hedging her own bets by adding friend…so I felt I needed to make it clear that she was wanted and that I was working on myself…so push the door a bit more with two poems….
Along with the poems I sent a not about also needing my space to continue the work I am doing and that but also have been writing and these two pieces speak to where I am at…one about my continued love for her, the other about my kids coming out of their fog. He response was to “Heart” that this message (historically she hearted for a reason only, and that it did mean something) so I felt that hope starting to sneak up again….
Cue her response referenced from above in regard to her codependency and the use of her buzz words…she after hearting the above poems wrote that she was “just now starting to see the trees through the forest” THIS set of the alarm bells for my hope…and I was back again. I mean she had said months ago she could not see the forest through the trees…so to use the same turn of phrase again, had me thinking, had me hoping ….but am I really hoping? Was I really hoping and what was I hoping for? Do I really care, does it really matter what she meant by these next two lines? And if it does matter do I ask? So she wrote that she “didn’t trust that she was not codependent on me emotionally instead of a healthy equal” I underlined her buzz words again. Now this can mean a whole lot of things on the spectrum that is codependency. I can mean that she felt she lost herself emotionally, and couldn’t feel without me, couldn’t be without, and was anxious when ever we were apart. That point of view makes it kinda positive in terms getting back together…she is able to recognize I became her everything and she couldn’t function otherwise. Sounds like an identification of an issue she wants and is addressing for herself. BUT…it also sends a dagger of insinuating that I was comfortable with that situation, that I was ok with her letting everything else go…and why is that a dagger? Because I was very supportive of everything that had to do with her, everything “we” did was about or for her…so if she is talking about neediness and that maybe she was not an equal meaning she was taking more then equal portion I can agree. BUT again that dagger, I sacrificed everything for her…every free moment she demanded me, and if she didn’t have me she was sad, anxious, angry, lonely. Her main purpose was planning for ways to be around me. NOW the codependent parts of her are what fed her unhealthy need for me. She may have felt she needed to act that way to keep me happy, that she couldn’t speak because she didn’t want me to fear her leaving…but she was always asking for reassurance and usually around her being needy, and asking how I deal with it…how am I so patient. The waters get muddy, the intent of her words are not clear, and the definitions also not clear. HER next line though seems telling to me: “she was not confident that she wouldn’t spend her days taking care of me, instead of being a partner” Which seems to clear it up…she felt like she was going to have to keep saving me day in and day out…but I don’t need saving, never did. I can take care of myself and my kids, I can manage my anxiety and job and have for 11 years. I can manage my life and household. Actually when she was in so much pain through Christmas and her mothers passing, I held her up and together. She needed a new car and couldn’t manage getting one, so I shopped during a pandemic auto crisis and no cars on lots…I got what she wanted at the price she wanted, delivered to her front door. I fixed things around her house, I fixed things at her parents house. And each time I attempted to give her the space she needed to be with family she held on tighter to me, I honestly had to say “no” this needs to be with just family. And it would hurt her…so I am so confused sure we were likely both dependent on each other with no real inequity to the relationship. The inequity was in what both of us had left for the rest world…we didn’t have any left.
So do I care? If she is saying that I am the typical “taker” who needs taking care of, then she can fuck off to put it plainly because I never once took without giving back, she spoke about how good I made her feel about herself, confident, comforted, built up like she had never been before…not the signs of the taker who is not on ok, but in support of her giving her all to me…I pushed back that she needed to stay connected to more that me…so I just don’t know…is there hope in any of those lines from her? Does identifying the codependency mean we are ready to address and potentially work through it? Or does it mean another sign pointing to me that she is done, nothing else ever? I told her I didn’t need her, her approval, or her love, that I knew this because I was actually doing better with out her, and enjoying the emotional freedom to connect with my kids. BUT had to open the door and say that just because I don’t need her doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t still want her. Then doubled down and said that I was not ready for a relationship with anyone and that the thought of another woman made me sick….so I wasn’t waiting for her per se, but wasn’t going anywhere either. Said until another day and signed with a heart. She also hearted that damn message….
So who knows and who should care? Me? Her?