I am beyond grateful for the continued support of Spillwords Press in promoting my new work and the wonderful work of so many talented artists.
Or it is an moment in time, but things feel like they are shifting and it scares me. I have not written in some time and have been afraid to face the emotions of change, the real healing and not naming and blaming, growing past the the past through the guilt, regret, pain and mis-placed emotions. I fear not being able to capture those thoughts and feelings and getting lost again on what feels like a path. Yesterday today and tomorrow allow for times of change milestones and markers I will embrace and not project. I came to find another piece of mine is being published and it reminds me that I have talent beyond my broken heart…I have reason to write and create beyond pain and sorrow, that passion and light can inspire and create.
Not sure exactly what it is, but I think it is back to life? Back to my life? Not gonna lie I was lost for awhile. Lost in my own mind, my own misery and hanging on to despair. So, yeah this feels like I am back at the good “it” in my life, which is living it.
Sometimes we can forget to live our lives and get lost maintaining them. I was there, so searching for connection and meaning that I was actually becoming less and less connected and had far less meaning to the perpetual sadness I was comfortable in. Now I am comfortable in my skin again, now I am good again. Back at it again….
I loved you and
You loved me not enough
Leaving me broken.
I can’t go. I am working so hard to move on, move up, or just move at all. I am not stuck but at the same time am paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I am not emotionally stuck, but physically. I can’t imagine sharing the same space as her again…the feelings the energy, the pain , loss, anger, hunger, yearning. All coming to the surface in a moment where you need to show the dignity you were never given, the ending and respect. As much as you have spent months wanting to force that, do you have the strength to hold it back? In the moment? Would you swallow your feelings and let them continue to eat away at the very soul and person you want to share, she is killing that version of you and breeding this version, feeding it. In that moment you would need to breathe without hearing her calming voice telling you too. You need to be able to manage your emotions, and to do that you must understand your emotions and to do that you have to be real, and you have to be willing to do it. You are not prepared; despite all you imagine, you are not because until you can see a real world scenario where seeing and feeling her again doesn’t destroy you, you are not ready.
It’s seem so strong
so real, so lasting
Until they are broken.
The strength of the connection,
is the strength of the loss.
Yet we continue to search
for that everlasting connection.
Knowing it can create an
everlasting loss once we find it.