I loved you and
You loved me not enough
Leaving me broken.
TLW
I loved you and
You loved me not enough
Leaving me broken.
TLW
It feels like torture
Even when I want to push you out
When I am done with you
When I want nothing else
Even when I am not holding on
You won’t leave me.
You have imprinted on my soul.
I want to move beyond
I want to move forward
But my soul is still holding on
You won’t leave me.
I think it’s time to move on
I think I have said this before.
The pieces have started to come back together for me.
I am settled and happy in my Dad role,
I am settled and happy in my co-parent role.
But I am still not settled, I am still not happy.
Because I haven’t moved on,
Instead I have been holding on.
In reality only extending my pain,
In reality deepening my insanity.
It continues to threaten to take me
Away from being me again.
Worked to hard to let this hold me back,
Worked to hard to to get me back.
I think I have said this before,
I think it’s time for me to move on.
I still think about the life I want. The shared love, connection, touch. The future dreams, the daily life, the respite, the comfort. It’s just you don’t have to be in it anymore. I can start building my dreams on another foundation, because you took ours out from under us. I can find my happiness in a true connection that makes me feel the way I had hoped was true with us. I can have that, and it can be true; and it can be good, and it can be with someone else…because it can’t be you.
I live in Vermont so I get it, the leaves are beautiful, the landscapes awe inspiring..but we also have to rack up all those beautiful leaves that have fallen dead from the branches above. We try and make it fun, let kids jump in the decaying debris mixed with various animal feces. Only to be bagged up and left by the curb…But believe it or not that is not the darkest part. We trick ourselves as animals, at our most primal selves to believe there is joy and warmth in the fall. It’s apple season and we all love apples…but can get fresh year round at the market…but Autumn is a time of death, the signal of darkness to come. Crops are all harvested (aka killed) then sacrificed at a meal we call “Thanksgiving” where we all eat more than we ever should (worst idea to deplete resources prior to winter). So we celebrate to struggle, trying to convince ourselves that the warmth and growth of the summer months isn’t being lost to the cruel reality that is Autumn.
I could probably move on better if the thought of another woman didn’t shake me to my core.
I did nothing but love completely
More true and pure than any feeling
Before it.
I did nothing but be vulnerable
And trust and go with the feeling
Only to lose it.
I did nothing but accept the love
She gave me without question
And returned it.
I did everything and is still wasn’t enough
I wanted to hold onto that feeling
Before we lost it, and couldn’t return to it.
L . W. 10/16/22