I loved you and
You loved me not enough
Leaving me broken.
I loved you and
You loved me not enough
Leaving me broken.
It feels like torture
Even when I want to push you out
When I am done with you
When I want nothing else
Even when I am not holding on
You won’t leave me.
You have imprinted on my soul.
I want to move beyond
I want to move forward
But my soul is still holding on
You won’t leave me.
When one realizes they don’t want the love they had back. When you realize you are not holding on to anything, that there is and possibly never was anything real. The illusions you held for so long shattered when she left. The illusion of healing to reconnect ourselves back in love shattered. She never placed your feelings first, though she claims too. Her “role” as the empath, who always places others needs before her own, is actually fueled by narcissism. The exact trait I was trying to avoid, the thought system I had battled for years. I know I am insecure, so did she. I know I am fragile, so did she. I did not know I was vulnerable, but she did. Every phase of the relationship wrought with doubt, while we were saying each other was the one? Doubt mixed with neediness? How does that even work…well it doesn’t. She had the ability to treat me with respect and dignity she claimed to have. Every opportunity that she had to make the choice to treat you and your relationship with respect, she avoided. Every opportunity to do the right thing, to get closure, she avoided because of her own fear, her own emotions. She always did what was best and easiest for her, at the expense of your feelings. That is not empathy it is selfish, self serving. It is about no one but her.
Being able to step back and see this should make me mad, should make feel relief I got out the situation, out of the relationship. Yet, it only serves to hurt me further. It makes me feel more insecure, more broken, more worthless. I reached out multiple times just to be able to move on…to come to actual closure. And she avoided why? At first I saw it as self preservation, shielding herself from the pain the reality of our break meant. That it was just too, difficult for her process, because it was breaking her heart to make this choice. That’s fair that I can understand and accept. I feared she had moved on very early on…couple weeks removed from house hunting and major RV purchase…and she is already falling in love? There was never any indication that this would have been a motive for her, or even a possibility …I mean she was leaving me because she felt “she had too” that she needed to focus on herself and family and not a relationship. She could have said “I found someone else” and she likely would have hurt me by saying that, but that was the respectful, mature right thing to do. Not telling wasn’t for my protection…not telling was her self preservation…she didn’t want feel bad, she didn’t want to feel guilty about herself, she didn’t want to see she was selfish. And most importantly…she did not want to feel ANY of the pain or loss I was suffering with the relationship ending…she wanted to avoid, seek a way to not have to process her own emotions. She can’t be alone so the solution was easy…she is so afraid to be alone, but says she is afraid to need somebody. She hide her pain in the arms of another…it’s not the relationship she has that hurts, it’s the disregard for my emotions, my well being. This shows how broken she is and would have continued to be broken in our relationship, she would have continued to make me feel like I was not enough, I would have continued to worry she would leave, because it felt she was always about too. None of that is how being in love is supposed to look, or feel. Love is not easy, but love is kind. Being aware of how your actions, and decisions affect those you care about is easy. Understanding that protecting yourself and your feelings can cause great pain for another is easy. These qualities must live in the person I love, because they make love easy, because they make it possible to do the work. This is what I thought I had and clearly didn’t, this is what hurts. The blatant disregard for me as a person, let alone the person who she claimed to love…really just hurts.
I could probably move on better if the thought of another woman didn’t shake me to my core.
OK, so the TT in the screen names is not for Thoughtful Thinker but it could be, because I got thoughts to think about…and this blog is just really thinking out loud….
So this morning in the land of single Dad with two kiddos was nothing short of uneventful. That’s right the only thing making a ruckus this morning was the deer in the hedges, and the mouse under my counter. Kids were cool as cucumbers as was Dad. This is what has come to be known as a “switch” day in my house meaning the boys are headed off to Mom’s for the next few days. This has always proven painful even to this bearded 6ft, 195pd, Muay Thai fighter…gets sad about missing his kids. But that’s also not the thought of the morning, more just the prelude to actual thoughtful think of the morning.
I have always found the music holds a special connection between people, making a connection to a memory or feeling. But I also feel it has been present, intended or not, music was there. Now this makes sense when we think about the times we listen to music….when we are happy, sad, bored, driving, playing, etc. So the fact we play music to fit our moods and activities is one thing, but the magic when it happens without forethought or playing, when the energy that we release is channeled through this music that is special. There is no truer (if that’s a word) example for this in my life then the passing of my father. My father passed at home after 10 short weeks of his terminal cancer diagnosis. There is beauty in being by your loved ones side when they pass, there energy being released into the world and our hearts filling it with the most intense blend of feelings ever. But these moments are not silent, and not meant to be…but we try and let our emotions settle into our souls and that is where the music comes in, making forever connections. My mother, brother and I were with my father on the futon in the living room, and dad was struggling to let go…panic had washed over his sightless eyes, rose up in his chest creating the death rattle, and his breathing was no longer his own. In that moment, the love of my mother and the sound of music, silenced his soul and ended his pain, ended our pain. My dad was a show tunes guy, and that’s what we had on for him, knowing he could either hear it, or feel the connection to it, and the energy it holds, the power it holds. There was always one song that meant more to him than any other, “some where over the rainbow”. It is a beautiful song, and crosses the generational gap that ties it to my and his childhood memories through OZ. My father was a musical man, talented on the trumpet and lover of the art. He had been brought to Boston as a boy and saw Julie Andrew’s perform, an story and connection he would share and cherish for years. And this song found it’s way to him and us that morning, “Somewhere over the Rainbow” came on his breathing had already slowed, he was in the comforting embrace of his wife, and stillness was ready to enter his body and mind…and the song came along to support us all through the moment. It was the power of the song, the energy, the connection that brought it to us in the moment. Making a forever bond between the song and my father’s memories, my connection to him.
This morning it was a mixture of songs finding there way back to me, and me finding the songs to sooth my soul. I have a soundtrack in my mind…seen most clearly by those who know me, as I bust out into song over almost anything said…it can all relate to music…and all be a reason to sing…which can be very cute and also annoying…my son Jack is not a fan…So the song in the head this morning “Wicked Game” playing out over and over and me getting to the point where I think it sounds pretty good (I can not sing). I think that is/was my undertone for the day. I played a list of songs that I have titled background music, and that’s just what it was this morning and though I know this is full circle, it was the Background Music, that is the right music at the right time for me, but also helped to sooth the children this morning and create an atmosphere of calm, happy, peace.