I can’t go. I am working so hard to move on, move up, or just move at all. I am not stuck but at the same time am paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I am not emotionally stuck, but physically. I can’t imagine sharing the same space as her again…the feelings the energy, the pain , loss, anger, hunger, yearning. All coming to the surface in a moment where you need to show the dignity you were never given, the ending and respect. As much as you have spent months wanting to force that, do you have the strength to hold it back? In the moment? Would you swallow your feelings and let them continue to eat away at the very soul and person you want to share, she is killing that version of you and breeding this version, feeding it. In that moment you would need to breathe without hearing her calming voice telling you too. You need to be able to manage your emotions, and to do that you must understand your emotions and to do that you have to be real, and you have to be willing to do it. You are not prepared; despite all you imagine, you are not because until you can see a real world scenario where seeing and feeling her again doesn’t destroy you, you are not ready.
She doesn’t look like the person I loved because she wasn’t.
She was never real with you, that was not her,this is her.
She has always been this person, but you refused to see.
She was never your person, and you
were just convenient.
So doesn’t look like the person I love
because she isn’t.
It feels like torture
Even when I want to push you out
When I am done with you
When I want nothing else
Even when I am not holding on
You won’t leave me.
You have imprinted on my soul.
I want to move beyond
I want to move forward
But my soul is still holding on
You won’t leave me.
And I don’t want to be, and don’t need to be, yet here I am again (still). I took steps so I would t keep searching for anything. So I wouldn’t try and analyze her relationships, and why some appear strained. I can imagine it is because they didn’t approve of how she treated me, because they didn’t support her decisions. I can project it is because of what she had already used them for, as a support to support her connection to me…that they were just as stunned as I, and didn’t understand. But I don’t know and will never know that stuff. Which is why, you have to ask yourself “what am I gaining by doing that?” What benefit is it to me? And if it’s not, in anyway…then stop doing it. None of my projections, none of my scenarios, none of my attempts to connect or remain connected matter for anything. Temporarily they were able to dull, avoid the pain…but all it has really done is prolong the pain, and resist healing. Part of that healing has to be fully accepting it is over. That she is gone. That the love you had committed to is gone. That the life you had been building is gone. Because as long as you hold out hope, as long as you keep the door open, you invite the pain back. The only way to end the pain is to accept this persons role in your life has completed ended. They no longer serve any purpose in your life, and they no longer deserve any of your thoughts or emotions. Severing this has been a challenge all this time, giving up hope has been challenging. Now you know you don’t what that relationship again, and you have seen their true colors. You can see how unfair this whole process has been, how her taking the easy way out makes it so much harder on other people, that hiding the pain is only going hurt her in the long wrong, and she is making the same mistake again or already has and is destined to fail. I can pretend I care and pretend I don’t care. Either way it is pretending. You need to remember that everyone of those good memories…every warm and positive feeling…was followed by one of insecurity, that you could lose or ruin it. That every amazing moment had to paired with doubt from her…I reason why “but”. She needed and wanted you so much to be what she needed you to be. You were able to do that and meet her immediate needs, and it felt good too. But she needed someone to meet every need. She had projected all the traits “the one” would have…and I was supposed to be the one, then I needed to check all the boxes, and if I didn’t…or she thought I couldn’t, doubt worry projection. I read this from her and she couldn’t/ wouldn’t communicate it to me…so I was in constant worry about being enough. She fulfilled her prophecy…of making me feel like I would never be good enough…because that is her character. You can’t change that, you can work around or with it…but you can’t change it. She couldn’t change it, I couldn’t help but feel it, and without communication it all fell apart. And now you see that she didn’t ever want any of that, she wanted only to make things easier for her. Leaving was that, falling fast in love to avoid having to feel was that, not talking about it was that, ending it on text was that, not respecting you enough to talk to you, and not respecting you enough to say something. You don’t want that character in your person, and you can find a person with the right character, whose character wouldn’t treat you the way she did. A person whose character would never hurt you like that. A person who is not her.
How I was feeling a month ago, how I have felt over the past months. I need to remember all the pain. I need to remember when I was broken and why. I was broken because she couldn’t see a future with me. I was the best thing to come into her life and shaped it in so many ways and was exactly what she needed at the time. But…she didn’t know if she could get over her little hang ups that she felt holding her back…the fear in the pit of her stomach that she could not name. Instead she spent her time telling you how much she loved and needed you every second, followed by fear for not being happy long term? I agree it seems each obstacle she projected once overcome another came in its place. The fear was rationale…we all have it…but it doesn’t always have an identifiable root, and it isn’t always bad. Fears need to be discussed and expressed in an open and safe way. When we know we can do that with our partners the fear is no longer present, it is no longer debilitating. You know your partner can hear your fears and help ease them or share them. You know you are safe because you are secure in the relationship. As amazing as we called our relationship we were never in a safe place to actually discuss our future. We were good to daydream about things, and project about the future, building tradition and building our lives together. But we were not good at talking about our insecurities and fears about the future, about fearing we would fail in a relationship again. She was insecure and worried likely due to nothing that actually had to do with me, she was following her flight response and misidentifying it as her gut telling her something was off. Something was off…this was real, this was going to be work, this was going to be difficult, and for the first time in her life, a man was willing to share his emotions, to hold her emotions, to put her first. This did no jive with her childhood trauma, her years of co-dependent marriage and the realization her mom lived in one for decades. She was very uncomfortable being dependent on another…it was not her nature, not her comfort zone and she felt that, but didn’t identify it…
And this is the part I need to remember…we could have talked, we could have tried to make it work. She made a choice not too, it doesn’t matter why she did , why she choose it. It doesn’t matter how she has been able to keep her choice, it doesn’t matter what she has decided to do with love and relationships. It does not matter that she is so broken she can’t see and will continue to make the same mistakes. The only thing that matter’s is when she was faced with the choice “Are you strong enough to stand by me through this?” “Are you willing to put in the work?” The answer was a very clear and resounding NO. She is not strong enough to be their for you, she is not willing to put in the work. Because you never would have been good enough? Doesn’t matter. Because she was broken? Doesn’t matter. Because the WHY will never change the WHAT, and its the WHAT which caused all the pain, and that can never be taken back.